Feeling safe is at the top of most parents list for their children. Over the last two weeks, I had two different but very similar experiences with grandchildren. The first was with Amity....when it was nap time, we read a story (she always begs for two books and momma will never know if Ja~Ja read one....or two). But when we finished reading, Amity was put right in her bed and she snuggled down and I covered her up. I, then, had to lay beside her and wait for her to drift off. I wasn't laying there over 30 seconds and this little hand reached out of the crib and motioned for me to hold her hand. She was safe.....and a tear slid down my cheek to just think that this one small action made her feel "safe". I have laid beside Amity in the dark and held her hand...but just seeing that sweet, innocent little face smiling at me tore at my heartstrings. It was a beautiful moment and one I will forever cherish.
About a week later, I had to pick Madden up from the sitter, and after lunch, we again read a book, sang a song, and I laid him in his bed. He also likes you to lay beside him....so I complied. It wasn't 3 seconds and his head popped up to see if I was still there. That happened about four times before he finally gave it up and "felt safe" and off to sleep he went. I laid there a bit and realized he also needed to feel safe....and another tear rolled down my cheek~~~~
So....after removing myself quietly from his room, I thought about feeling SAFE. How little ones look to their parents, grandparents, siblings, teachers...to make them feel safe. But when I thought about who made me feel safe....WHAT ABOUT ME? It took about three seconds before something in my head told me....God is there to make you feel safe. What would I do if I couldn't pray and talk to Him day in and day out? People without faith.....who makes them feel safe? I am blessed to know God is there....all the time. We may not understand what is happening in our life or why....but "WHY NOT?" Knowing God is beside me makes me feel SAFE. CALM. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!
I received a call from MD Anderson that my biopsy is STILL not processed in Bethesda, Maryland so they were cancelling my appointment for Dec 22. I was a tad bit irritated and asked if I was just suppose to let the cancer do whatever it wanted with no treatment? So....I do not have an appointment until MD Anderson receives the biopsy report. So...for the second time, I cancelled flight plans. I am calm.....I am not going to worry....it would be a day wasted instead of a day enjoyed. SO.....I will enjoy Christmas, New Years, and then go on a vacation for a week to Cozumel after the first of the year. I feel "safe" with God beside me that when I get back, my appointment will be on my MD Anderson login and we will be ready for biopsy results and ready to start the fight. I also asked the lady who cancelled my appointment at MD Anderson how many people so far have been accepted into the MATCH Program....and she said zero. Will I be the first....if not, I will atleast have a full report of what is making my cancer happen...what trials are available...all my options that can be discussed at my appointment. This report is WAY more in depth from what I understand than the Foundation One testing that is usually done with a biopsy. There are still options for me....to keep fighting the fight....to keep feeling safe knowing God is right beside me along with my family, friends and WAY too many people in my community and across America.
So....a deep sigh...it has been a GREAT day!! I saw the heartbeat of my grandson on a 3D sonogram today. Thump...thump.... thump.....feeling so safe inside his mommy right now.
There are so many events in the world today that make a person not feel so safe.....but life goes on. What you do with it is totally up to you. But I hope you celebrate the birth of Jesus in just a few short weeks. Slow down....enjoy coffee with a friend...take cookies to an elderly person. It's not about gifts to me......it's about enjoying every memory....every day knowing I am blessed. I am thankful. I am loved. Feeling safe is just not about locking your doors.....no, it's waaaay more than that. It is WANTING to live the word of God every day....no one is perfect, but I keep trying! ;-) And I feel safe knowing that is exactly what He would want me to do~~
Getting ready to start my 6th year with Intra-hepatic cholangiocarcinoma..........and no matter what happens.....I will always be blessed with God's presence......! Always be faithful to the ordinary circumstances in your life. Cancer might not be ordinary.....but everyone has a journey to face. The Lord is as near as the next moment and whatever it brings.....
Peace be with you always~
Have a blessed Merry Christmas and a glorious New Year!!
Patty~~
